The art of letting go

         Just to preface I have nothing to write about literature today, even anything it will be a combo about how life and literature seem to constantly intersect whether I like it or not. Also I suck at letting go of friendships, emotions, things in general. I seem to have more of a knack of clinging for hope rather than trying my best to let go, relax , and be myself. Oddly enough it took me learning how to drive two to three times to get this lesson. I was getting emotional for no reason whatsoever, with emotions I did not expect to get in tell Christmas. Also this prevented me from being a good student, and I hate being a bad student. I have been a good hardworking student since kindergarten this does not need to change now. I need to woman up and deal with the crap in my life. I need to accept that things are not always going to turn out the way I plan and figure out my own neurosis. My life just seems at a crossroads with a thesis to finish, learning how to drive and in some way so I am not an anxious emotional neurotic mess. I think this is just hard when I have been pressured by some many people saying I need to learn  how to drive NOW, I need to get my life in order NOW, I need to do everything NOW!!!.
      I feel like I am Alice I have just gone down the rabbit hole and I am just trying to make sense of things and figure out whether I want to get bigger or smaller or follow the white rabbit. It is from these negative comments and my trust and commitment issues that I am constantly on the defensive since certain people are just begging me to fail. I am sorry to bust your frackin bubble but failure is not an option for me, never has been, I have worked too hard to get where I am today. My priorities are finishing grad school, maintaining a social life, and my relationship with my bf and family and learning how to drive and that's it.  I have no intention of adding more to my plate and if I am going to be pressured, bugged and nagged to death I am going to feel less inclined to do what you want me to do. I don't care if this makes people happy or not , well too damm bad. It is my life I will live it the way I see fit and it takes me longer than other sometimes to learn a new skill like driving, etc. I do learn it but it takes time. I guess that's all for now.

Dear Bloggers

Dear Bloggers,

Sorry to disappoint but my personal life seems to have taken over this blog. I am stressed out about finishing and paying for grad school. I have hardly socialized within the past month and hate feeling this lonely. My counselor keeps telling me to relax and exercising. I have not been taking care of myself mentally, emotionally or health wise. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in months. And the gravy on this annoying train is the one person I want to talk to will not talk to me in any way shape or form and this is breaking my heart. On top of which I have since learned after my grandma's and dog's death one month within in one another that I have some abandonment issues.  I can add this along to all my other neurotic issues, goody. I think all I want is some motivation, to get a second wind, just to make it through this year not too emotionally scared and with hope of graduating.  So bloggers if you have any thoughts or suggestions on my mental issues I am more than willing to hear them, and maybe than I get back to what I like doing in my life like reading for fun and posting my analysis here, cooking something from scratch, catching up on movies I never seem to have time to watch and getting a good nights sleep. Thanks for listening. 

Sincerely,

the anonymous blogger

Will not be posting for a while

       I ironically am blogging to say that I won't be blogging for a while. I have 5 weeks to complete two chapters of my masters thesis and I also have many more things to accomplish by that time.  Also things in my life have been going eh at best, I hardly see my friends any more and my thesis chair is trying to evade me, even when I told him I needed help with chapter three weeks ago. I do a lot better with face to face then via email.  Furthermore, my socializing time has been minimal at best and this whole semester seems to  be filled with drama and conflict, two things I do not need or want in my life right now. If it wasn't for counseling or the anger study sessions as of lately I would probably more emotional then I am now. My hope was to post on J.D. Salinger nine stories in the coming weeks but the business of my schedule and my lack of sleep makes me not sure when this will be possible. I will try to post at the earliest by Christmas break because by then all I should have to worry about is editing. Sorry for the rant and I hope to post soon.

Ibsen's doll house is full of manipulation and surprises

      I started reading Ibsen's Doll House with the assumption that it was about woman's rights and Nora's ability to stand up to her husband Helmer.  I since learned that Nora acted like a weak woman, and a sort of doll who would dress up and entertain her husband and take care of the household.  She displayed similar behavior around her father. She never had anything that was actually hers. (spoiler alert) She was oddly enough beneath this perceived blissful behavior was actually really manipulative as she was able to get the necessary money to take a trip to Italy and save her husband when he was in ill health.  However, her husband did not know about her loan from a loan shark of sorts. Also she was the one who kept track of the spending and other events in the household. (spoiler alert) Also the ending was very odd but I guess appropriate as she left her husband and children while this might not have been a very maternal thing to do, she needed to figure out who she was outside her family. Actually she sort of remind me of one of the main female leads from the Jane Austen Book club movie who had to figure out who she was after she divorced her husband when she discovered he was having an affair.
     All this play and movie show me is that people are not what they seem or claim to be sometimes. However, I think what Helmer experienced with Nora is what people experience with friends or relatives all the time in that they are full of surprises. I can vouch for this as I have a friend who I expected to react one way to one thing, and it went the other way. Also, I myself am not what I seem sometimes as I can be really quiet around people I don't know that well but around people I am comfortable around I can be loud and boisterous to some extent.
      Nora in addition to proving that appearances can be deceiving is also showing a glimpse into women's rights and getting women out just the role of taking care of the husband and children. Their is nothing wrong with the role but these seem to be the expectations placed on the role of most women in the Victorian era.  Also I think it shows that the woman should be able to have her own identity and have it not swallowed up by those surrounding her. I am sure this is not true in the modern world, but a woman should be able to have an identity outside the home where she is an employee, volunteer, whatever who makes a difference in the world in whatever way possible. This is all for my feminist rantish, am not sure what book I will post about next.

Evelina analysis part 2

       Evelina from what I have discovered after all my research is Burneys' attempt to work out her own daddy issues. I am sure Freud would have a field day in reading her book Evelina. All her actions throughout out the first half of the novel are trying to have it so that her actions win the approval of her father like figure Mr. Villars. Burney faced similar issues as through writing Evelina she was hoping that her father would also approve of her activities. Burney was writing at a time when women being writers was not a very positive thing in the 1700's.  Also  Burney is reveling the prevalent opinion that where is one from and what a dad's or parents credentials are matter if one is to win a match. Burney faced similar issues as she was arranged to marry and did not want to marry the man.  In the case of Evelina through it was her lack of credentials that made the marriage between Evelina and Orville as eminent so that Evelina could have a place in the upper middle class society of London.
       Burney and Evelina both show that women had many issues to deal with regards to courtship and trying to be a writer in the eighteenth century when it seems very apparent that a women's opinion at this time was not viewed as important or significant. Burney proves this point further when her early journals she addresses them to "Nobody".  However, from a non-feminist stand point I am sure women have felt at some point that their opinion had no place anywhere. Well, for me one example was that I was nine and my dad was about to get remarried and he asked me how I felt about it and the women he was about to marry. I lied and said I was ok with the marriage and the woman because I knew she made my dad happy and that I figure my opinion would not make a difference in the first place. I still believe that now after all these years, that my opinion does not matter to him, he like my grandpa J just likes to do alot of spouting about topics of interest to him, how him and I even have a conversation these days I will never know. Also he is just emotionally distant and I am sure he loves and his proud of me I would hope, I would just like to have a  normal conversation with him. I guess this is why I can relate to Burney and Evelina so much as I have my own dad issues that I am trying to work out through my writing of my thesis. I think that is enough personal information and analysis for now. I will try to blog on Ibsen's dollhouse next week.

Evelina..trying to find her place in the world...

Well, it has taken a while but I have finally finished Evelina. This is my second time reading this novel I started reading it as an undergrad but never finished it. I proud to say this time I finished it and actually enjoyed most of it and finally understood the subtle humor and satire employed by Frances Burney. This was the first novel she wrote prior to the Witlings, and it is her claim to fame. Also this novel makes you feel better about your own crazy family. She has relatives the Braghtons who will make a big deal out of going somewhere and then complain the whole time while there. Their is also her grandma Madame Duval whose main goal is make Evelina cultured and turn her into a suitable person fit for London society. Evelina gets snagged into spending time with these people over the question of her last name and origin. Her mom died while giving birth to her as a child and her father ditched her prior to her birth so she never knew her family history, which is not helpful if one wants to find a good match in London society. She has been taken care of by her guardian Mr. Villars for the past seventeen years up to the point that the letters in the novel begin. This novel brings to question how important where one comes from in the past, and where one is going in the future.
She is seen as a bastard child and has to maneuver constant interruptions and social faux paux in London because she is a country girl that grew up in Berry Hill. Actually all the interruptions of moments and satirical parts remind me of Witlings and the dialogue through out makes it seem like an act in a play one witnesses in the theater. I think Evelina experiences what we all do when being placed in a new environment, we have to determine the unwritten rules and social mores and how to act in certain situations. The best examples would be the first day of high school or college. Evelina unfortunately faces many problems in this regard as men are constantly hitting on her or trying to go with her in dark corners, even if she has no interest in them in the first place. The only man who is willing to respect her and her space is Lord Orville, and he does not seem to care if she has a country or city upbringing.
However she also over the novel evolves and is more able to act for herself with out advice of her guardian Mr. Villars to determine which actions are right for her depending on the situation. Also, he is one of the few people who seems to understand the situation that she has been put in within London and with her family. It seems that those that don't understand her would rather than hit on her or just be a nuisance to those around them. Captain Miravan is constantly pulling pranks on others, Clement Willoboughy will act one way while talking behind one's back, and Mr. Smith just reminds me of the English version of casanova. While, the Braghton's just seem to not be cultured and are oblivious to any negative behavior due to being of a different class. However, I through out this novel has sort of known how Evelina has been feeling as I look for a job and try to figure out the next couple months, it has come to a point in my life, where if I plan to far in the future I feel like I will have a panic attack. Also I can relate to the constant interruptions, one of my relatives is planing to visit in a couple weeks and am not looking forward to it. I think this person is doing it to make up for a bad trip last Christmas. But I don't know how this will ratify the situation. Also, I honestly don't want this person to see our house and lives in chaos even if they may be used to chaos. I just wish they could wait tell next summer, when our lives are more calmer. I know this has some relevance to Evelina but it has been bugging me for the past week. Also I will do a part two for Evelina since this has turned out to be mostly summary, so more analysis to come in the next post.

the grandma saga continued

Well for the past week I have had a hard time getting things done or going to bed early. I know I need to be posting about Evelina or some sort of book but depression and heart ache seem to get in the way. I should be productive it is just hard to be, and I would cook but I worry that would depress me more and I love to cook. I do now know who I am dedicating my thesis too , given that my grandma and I used to gossip all the time. I need to be more productive and will try to be know to stop blogging and distract myself with much reading and studying and wishing this empty feeling in my stomach would go away and the feeling that something is missing and I can't put my finger on it.

A serious of unfortunate events aka my life as of lately

I know I usually spend my posts discussing books and some integration about my private life in relation to books. Well this blog post will be mostly concentrated on my private life with minimal references to literature if any at all. There has been this temporary change of topic because I have just found out that my grandma has died. Her and I were really close. We spent our time talking about baking, cooking, crossword puzzles and working on really big puzzles. Also one of my favorite past times with her was exchanging family gossip because her and I were both really noisy and it always intrigued me what other family members were up to since most of them lived in other states. She was always active and busy and never acted her age. I still haven't cried over this as much as I have hoped to, probably because I lost one of my other favorite grandparents as of a decade ago. So I am pretty sure that is the only reason I am somewhat keeping it together and when I am socializing with people, I just tend to hold back the tears. Its just my life as of late has seemed like one bad event after another and this was just the icing on the cake.

Also on top of this I have found out that my brother might be moving back into the house because of family financial difficulties. It just feels like too much in a short period of time. I just want time to breath and relax, forget and repress. Even though, I dislike those who repress and always keep things in, the hypocrite that I am this seems like my safest bet for now as long as it does not have a negative effect on my health. I know I shouldn't repress and need to stop distracting myself at some point, but it just seems easier than grieving, crying and getting no sleep. If anyone has any coping tips or suggestions to deal with this kind of loss, and to get it all out, I will gladly listen to them.

The Witlings review part two

Alright, I am sure you all have read enough about the Witlings but I still have more to share. The many liet motifs in this play seem to be nothingness and constant interruptions. I say that nothing is a theme because there does not seem to be a lot of serious discussions among the Espirit group or whenever Jack enters a room. I admit things become serious when Cecilia has lost all her money and is wanting to be comforted by Beaufort but these serious moments are few and far between.

Additionally, it is hard to find seriousness in a play where characters seem to be constantly interrupting one another in every scene. Mrs. Voluble is always interrupting the discussion in the milliners shop, Jack makes constant interruptions some needed some not, or Lady Smatter constantly cutting people off in a so called "discussion" about literature. I think this ability to not let someone finish their own thought is significant because sometimes this person could be something really important or trivial. This is seen by Codger who never seems to be able to finish a thought in the first place. Oddly enough as I am typing this and trying to finish my thoughts I am getting interrupted by the laughter of others. Also, this inability to finish one's thoughts makes the reader wonder what they would have said if they could have finished there thought in the first place. I still am wondering if Codger will ever finish what he means to say or if Jack will ever slow down to say anything significant in the first place. The ability to voice one's opinions is important with mass printing available in England, because a slanderous account or poem about someone could ruin their reputation. (spoiler alert)

Censor proves this when he blackmails Lady Smatter into letting Beaufort marry Cecilia because if she won't approve that many a slanderous ballads will be spread about her throughout the coffee houses. This shows that one's name in print can make or brake one's reputations depending on what is being said in the first place. Lady Smatter is facing similar problems of movie stars or socialites of LA or NY , but without the worry of paparazzi. I think this also shows that when one faces a name being in print or having private knowledge turned public then no good can come of it. I think there are similar problems today through fb, and while I do love their game apps, nothing good happens when their are status changes from single to a relationship for exes, or it shows public friend fights and then people block friends or delete them. However, it is also to keep family members in touch with one another when others or sick. I just think it is plays like Burney's The Witlings and Sheridan's The School of Scandal that makes me wonder what knowledge should be accessible for private or public space? Why is some information deemed that it should be in private space? What is its importance? These are questions I am sure I will be thinking about as I try to work on my thesis.

The Witlings review part one

Well I just finished reading most of the play The Witlings by Frances Burney. I have six pages left so I will finish my commentary tomorrow. A play that she did not become known for until the 1990's even though it was published in 1779 shortly after her first novel Evelina. She defied stereotypes in writing a comedic play that was full of satire. She was the Tina Fey of the 1770's. She showed this further through biting the hand that feeds her thorough out this play. It has been theorized that Burney is mocking Elizabeth Montague and the Bluestockings throughout all the scenes. Additionally, she is showing the hard economic times of London from 1778 to 1781 when they were having stock market difficulties. This is displayed through the milliners trying to get paid by their clients and Cecilia losing all her money because it was all invested in one stock.

But, even with this social commentary that Burney is displaying their seems to be a continuous themes of self sufficiency and scandal. I think self sufficiency is a theme because Cecilia and Beaufort throughout the play continual wish that they were not dependent on others. I can relate to this theme because as I am trying to make it through grad school and work on my thesis with my main goal in mind is to be self sufficient and support my self. The American Dream I suppose but one that has become further impeded by high unemployment rates and a recession. Also I get this continual reminder that I have not achieved said steps necessary to support myself. These reminders while helpful just continue to stress me out more in the process. I know this has nothing to do with The Witlings but I am sure that their are plenty of my peers in their 20's who are facing similar difficulties within their own lives.

Now to go the tangent of scandal this to me shows how through the ability to mass produce print that scandal can tear someone's reputation to shreds. This can be seen today in Gossip Girl, The Hills, and Pretty Little Liars or facebook. Also, I find it funny that Burney spends half the play satirizing Montague and the Bluestockings when Montague has supported her and her father in their writing projects. She could ironically destroy her own reputation through the producing of this play. However many shows have satirized big corporations such as 30 Rock, and Studio 60 on the Sunset strip and have gotten away with it with their reputations in place. Burney might be taking a risk but she is just trying to make light of her observations around. A point I hope to further prove with her use of satirizing in letters when I have started and finished reading Evelina. There also are many liet motifs in this play worth discussing along with an in-depth character analysis but I think that they will have to wait for the next post. Additionally, I hope to leave you readers with this quote that seems apt to this play by David Shannon "Life is not simple, and therefore history, which is past life, is not simple.".

school of scandal...people are not what they seem

The play The School of Scandal comes with the moral that people are not what they seen and that most people are wearing masks, literal and metaphorical ones. This is seen through the major characters of this plays Joesph Surface, Lady Sneerwell, and Mrs. Candour and snake. These characters spend most of the play talking about how they don't like to gossip while spreading slander about others through out the newspapers. Mrs. Candour is ironically supposed to be someone who is honest but she spends the first two acts gossiping about other aristocratic women and men and their love lives. Lady Sneerwell and Snake take the act of slander farther by providing the papers with gossip and lies about people they know in London. I am still pretty certain that it is due to these two that gossip about Sir Peter and Lady Teazle is spread to the local papers after the screen scene. While, Joseph surface is able to parade around to others as a man of sentiment when he has more to hide than anyone else and rarely likes to show his true colors. He is not sentimental and only cares about maintaining the lifestyle that he has become accustomed to in London. (spoiler alert)

The flaws of these characters are revealed through the plots as Lady Teazle Sir Peters wife seems to be contemplating an affair with Joseph Surface. While Joseph is in love with Maria who is in love with Charles. This plot becomes further complicated because Lady Sneerwell is in love with Charles. Another wrench in this whole picture is that Lady Teazle and Sir Peter are not as one would describe as happily married, because she has become an aristocratic London women bent on spending all of Peter's money. This marriage also faces difficulties because Lady Teazle and Sir Peter have a May-December romance.

However, I think that their is a point to all these plot complications is that it exposes the follies of aristocratic women in the 1770's. I say this because in an ironic way these women spend most of the play gossiping about other women. This to me lower their class stature because they have become like the common folk that want to gossip about those that are rich and famous. So in the process in trying to lower themselves, they lower others in the process. These women continue to degrade themselves through their shallow values of caring about which coach they are riding in, attending certain events and wanting to be seen as people that are not lacking in morals. Also, it is the people who do not care about these things and are open and honest who end up with happy endings. Charles and Maria care more about being together than status. Lady Teazle and Peter in the end just want to be together after their foibles in the screen scene. Finally, Sir Oliver is able to learn what his nephew Charles really thinks of him.

Additionally, these play shows the merits of honest because the lying and deceit of these characters reminds me of Gossip Girl, Ugly Betty or the beginnings of a really bad soap opera. I think it because of the perks of being honest that I like this play so much enough to read it more than once. I have been one of those people who has had to hide what I am really thinking or flat out lie. I do not like it as I prefer to be straight with people. Also, I have known others who have engaged in the behavior of 18th century aristocrats and this does not thrill me. But this is a behavior that no one can control and I give Sheridan props for spending a whole play exposing it. I think that due to Sheridan's exposure of gossip and bad behavior that is able to combine both lessons and laughter through out this play.

a bad day, a very bad day....

I know that the point of this blog was to post about books, through literary analysis and books reviews. But I have spent most of my life comparing my life to books, because frankly books or plays tend to make more sense than people or the events that occur in my daily life. As of lately my life has begun to feel like a tragic novel or play, in which I am dealing with the witches from Macbeth, the red queen, or being chased from count olaf from a series of unfortunate events. Now I know that I might be acting dramatic (just a tad) but this has been one of those days where nothing is going my way, and it is through these novels and plays that I can make sense of everything. (now on to reality)

This past summer I have had to deal with health issues that have been hard on both me and my best friend aka my bf. Additionally, it is due to these issues that I have not been as social this summer as I would have liked to recover from graduate school kicking my ass this year. On top of which I am trying to accomplish the crazy goal of completing my thesis within a 3 to 4 month period while hopefully working at least 20 hours a week, and my last full time job was years ago, so I don't know how me, or my body could deal with this potential schedule. Along with somewhere in there spending time with my bf and having some down time.

On top of health issues and thesis issues as I am behind on it and have at least 5 good sections I need to write after an in-depth outline. Furthermore, I am dealing with financial aid issues also as my savings is slowly depreciating and I am going to have to pay full tuition at least tell Spring 2012, god willing I will graduate then. This just seems like too much to take on, so I get to spend this next summer and semester trying to find work, finish my thesis, and somehow keep up with this blog, which has turned into a nice escape from everything else. I unfortunately do not have the luxury to go down the rabbit hole, and escaping from it all. But since this is not a possibility I am going to have live with my own form of escapism through writing for this blog, and reading books and discussing literature through books reviews , and when I have more time making connections to pop culture, education, and life.

chocolate war...a battle over more than chocolate

I just finished the novel The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier and I have to say I am not sure I understand why it is has been banned in some libraries. I noticed that their were some implicit sexual references or the extensive violence in some scenes but I am sure that most kids have seen worse on television compared to this book. Also I think that this book had a good lesson once one gets passed the manipulation and the politics within the school. The lesson being I guess that one person can make a difference or have a impact on others just by speaking up against those who want them to sell chocolates. The only problem with this lesson is that speaking up comes at a price (spoiler alert) which is shown when Jerry almost dies by the end of the novel .However, I think even the politics of the vigils and administrator and the manipulating of others is realistic with the focus on who has the power and who does not is probably seen through out high schools and colleges.

But even with this battle of wills and power I think that Jerry shows us the every man. He like everybody surrounding him is just trying to get by and survive. Also he wants to see if his life has any meaning or if he will have any effect on people. I think this something most adults or teenagers are dealing with at some point in their life. He just wants to know that he has made a difference. I think that the reader faces the opposite problem with Archie. Archie always knows how to have an effect on someone else.

Archie gives us an in-depth look into the high school version of Machiavelli who always seems to knows his opponents next move and how to control them. He manipulates Emile with a fake photograph of him jacking off, he has others taunt Jerry through calling his house constantly, and he makes Goober feel terrible for unscrewing the desks and chairs in a instructors room. He is able to psychological toy with all of these men, with no consequence to him at all other than occasional feelings on ennui that he might not be able to come up with an assignment to initiate new teenagers to go through this pain to join the Vigils. I would feel bad for him but I think at this point that is like asking me to feel bad about the wicked witch of the west. Also Archie and Leon in way sort of symbolize in way how the world works those that the have the power can control others and their lives and those that don't just have to work hard and hope to move up in the world. I am sure their are exceptions to this generalization, Archie just does not give a reader much hope.

Also on a tangential note I can relate with how Jerry feels not know if you are ever making a difference at all. Never sure if you are being manipulated or who you should trust and call a "friend". I think we all need people like Goober in our lives who will stick with you through the good and bad in your life.

I am thinking about leaving fb....not related to books...but will get me to read more of them

I have been thinking about leaving facebook for a while. I am not as into the applications as before and I don't get to chat with people as often as I would like. I like it because it has helped maintain some friendships but it also gets rid of privacy along with losing the face to face communication. In the words of Carrie - "you can hear everybody's everything" which is not always a good thing. Also I am with Brendan from my boys that "sometimes it makes the world a smaller place and that is not necessarily a good thing". My main use for facebook currently is to connect with friends and get to know acquaintances that I never get to see. Also I am hoping through leaving facebook I will be able to focus on more important things in my life like catching up on my reading, working on my thesis and getting into shape so I can run a 5k or half marathon for charity, and to get a part time job, and spend more time with friends and my bf. This all I have to say on leaving facebook for now , I will post my book review on The Chocolate war when I finish the book.

The lack of female roles in stardust

I recently finished reading Stardust a couple weeks ago and I noticed that the females in this novel are lacking in notice and attention. I state this because in the beginning of the book their is very little mention of Dunstan's wife or Tristan's sister. Furthermore when Tristan leaves Wall these characters are never mentioned again. This is shown also with Una who is just used to procreate with Tristan and is not able to gain a strong female role until the end of the book. Additionally, women face further stigmatization through the three old witches in the book that remind me of the witches from Macbeth. These women show a portrayal of women that do not want to be old and are wanting to achieve societies standards of youth and beauty. This motif is also seen through Yvaine who is literally captured by Tristan to do as he pleases to bring her back to Victoria.

(spoiler alert) While, I know in the end that Una and Yvaine end up being Queens of stormhold to make up for their lack of power earlier in the novel, I am not sure that it justifies Una being a slave worker and Yvaine being dragged everywhere by Tristan. I know that the point of this novel is for Tristan to find himself and become a man, I just that these women were not left out in the process. Also Yvaine and Una face further stigmatization being in the land of Fraerie and a sort of racism since there seems to be some prejudice towards the people of Faerie this shown as during the fall the people from wall will never by their goods from a market fair. I do not think this fair as there should be mutual trading and benefits between the people of wall and the land of Faerie.