Totally lost...

   I have been watching Bunheads for the past couple weeks and the character I find myself most able to relate to is Michelle who like me is totally lost and trying to find my way and figure things out. It feels like what I have been trying to do all summer, figure out where I want or could work, what to do when I have finished my thesis, and what friends I actually want to hang out with this summer. I have been surprised by my answers or lack of answers to these questions that I have been indirectly posing to myself all summer. I think my quandary is whether to answer said questions or to pay things by ear like I have been doing all summer.
   Also it is probably these and many excuses why I have not written any reviews about book the past couple months, life and my thesis have taken over. Also I have done the crazy thing of trying to socialize this summer it feels like I have been trying to compensate with my lack of social life in grad school over the past three months which I have since learned is crazy and impossible to accomplish. It has just been a really weird summer. Even with the very small goals I gave myself to accomplish like getting a job and many other things. I will post reviews about books when I have gotten out of whatever funk I am in long enough to finish one. Thanks for listening.

The many foibles in having toxic friendships...

        Alright maybe its because I am getting older and because good friends have become harder to come by but I have gotten to the age where I am figuring out which friends are worth staying the long haul and which one's might need das boot. I am just pondering this because I was hanging out with a friend of mine that I just begun hanging out within the past couple months and he did something that has never happened to me before and offered to pay for meal for my birthday. This put me in sort of shock because these days I am lucky if some of my friends remember my birthday much less offer to do that. I never expect that, most birthdays I am grateful to hang out with people and socialize.  Also this makes me wonder if the other people that I have been hanging out with good be in the label of toxic friendships or non existant ones...and which is worse?
      This is worth pondering because some of the people I have been hanging out with up to this point, either don't make the effort and I have to do all the work, or are so lost in their own worlds falling apart that doing nothing seems like my best bet just with the hope that I will not make them angry. I rarely ever friends that are there for me and will give a damm. These people are few and far between and I am grateful when they do appear in the first place. Also this makes me wonder if I have been living in a cave up to this point when it comes to friends and have finally seen the light where people can be supportive and understanding to one another.  Another possibility is that my negative experiences have jaded me so much that the idea of a friend being nice or supportive or anything in the range of what a normal person does freaks me out and getting close to said person even harder even if I can trust them.  Now I know this post has nothing to do with literature but it is something I was wondering about tonight probably because I am in shock over the past events of this past month. 
          I feel like the mouse from Daria who has been exposed to such much negative stimuli that even when a reward or positive reinforcement may come that I will cower or run. I don't think is emotionally healthy at all, and just leads me with more questions about how to best proceed... Do I make a stand with these non existant or toxic friends or just ignore them..and see them when I see fit? Also what do I  with those people who treat me well, but I am too scared too get close because I have been burned too much in the past? Any thoughts on how to deal with this quandary is much appreciated.