New year, new attitude...

     Well, happy new year everyone, it has been a rocky one. I am hoping with this new year I will resolve to make some changes in my life. One of my resolutions currently is to blog about something other than my personal life such as the books I will hopefully reading and reviewing within the next couple weeks. My next resolution is to lose weight and to strengthen any friendships I currently have. My penultimate resolution is to learn how to drive finally, no matter how scary I think it is in the beginning. My last resolution is to be more social, as I am so socially awkward with new people, well its embarrassing to say the least.
     However, even with these resolutions I have learned a lot this year, there were these lines from My boys how people in the 20's start revealing who they really are, and that seems like this applies this year. When I lost my grandma and then my dog Lucky, it was hard to figure out who to turn to who would be reliable and listen to me rant and be all emotional. Also the one person I thought would stick around, left me too, over a big misunderstanding. But I am just going to have make one of my resolutions to learn to let it go, or continuing to have the naive hope that this person will change their mind and forgive me.  The cherry on this ice cream sundae of crazy  is having an 80 pg thesis to write and edit. I am in the editing phase I just need to motivate my self to finish this part of it so I get a break from it for a couple weeks. But, this year I shall be graduating and entering the real world and hopefully devoting more time to this blog and getting a job of course. My goal is to finally read and finish a tale of two cities by Charles Dickens and review that in  three weeks. Thanks for listening, and I hope you all have had a good year.

The art of letting go

         Just to preface I have nothing to write about literature today, even anything it will be a combo about how life and literature seem to constantly intersect whether I like it or not. Also I suck at letting go of friendships, emotions, things in general. I seem to have more of a knack of clinging for hope rather than trying my best to let go, relax , and be myself. Oddly enough it took me learning how to drive two to three times to get this lesson. I was getting emotional for no reason whatsoever, with emotions I did not expect to get in tell Christmas. Also this prevented me from being a good student, and I hate being a bad student. I have been a good hardworking student since kindergarten this does not need to change now. I need to woman up and deal with the crap in my life. I need to accept that things are not always going to turn out the way I plan and figure out my own neurosis. My life just seems at a crossroads with a thesis to finish, learning how to drive and in some way so I am not an anxious emotional neurotic mess. I think this is just hard when I have been pressured by some many people saying I need to learn  how to drive NOW, I need to get my life in order NOW, I need to do everything NOW!!!.
      I feel like I am Alice I have just gone down the rabbit hole and I am just trying to make sense of things and figure out whether I want to get bigger or smaller or follow the white rabbit. It is from these negative comments and my trust and commitment issues that I am constantly on the defensive since certain people are just begging me to fail. I am sorry to bust your frackin bubble but failure is not an option for me, never has been, I have worked too hard to get where I am today. My priorities are finishing grad school, maintaining a social life, and my relationship with my bf and family and learning how to drive and that's it.  I have no intention of adding more to my plate and if I am going to be pressured, bugged and nagged to death I am going to feel less inclined to do what you want me to do. I don't care if this makes people happy or not , well too damm bad. It is my life I will live it the way I see fit and it takes me longer than other sometimes to learn a new skill like driving, etc. I do learn it but it takes time. I guess that's all for now.

Dear Bloggers

Dear Bloggers,

Sorry to disappoint but my personal life seems to have taken over this blog. I am stressed out about finishing and paying for grad school. I have hardly socialized within the past month and hate feeling this lonely. My counselor keeps telling me to relax and exercising. I have not been taking care of myself mentally, emotionally or health wise. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in months. And the gravy on this annoying train is the one person I want to talk to will not talk to me in any way shape or form and this is breaking my heart. On top of which I have since learned after my grandma's and dog's death one month within in one another that I have some abandonment issues.  I can add this along to all my other neurotic issues, goody. I think all I want is some motivation, to get a second wind, just to make it through this year not too emotionally scared and with hope of graduating.  So bloggers if you have any thoughts or suggestions on my mental issues I am more than willing to hear them, and maybe than I get back to what I like doing in my life like reading for fun and posting my analysis here, cooking something from scratch, catching up on movies I never seem to have time to watch and getting a good nights sleep. Thanks for listening. 

Sincerely,

the anonymous blogger

Will not be posting for a while

       I ironically am blogging to say that I won't be blogging for a while. I have 5 weeks to complete two chapters of my masters thesis and I also have many more things to accomplish by that time.  Also things in my life have been going eh at best, I hardly see my friends any more and my thesis chair is trying to evade me, even when I told him I needed help with chapter three weeks ago. I do a lot better with face to face then via email.  Furthermore, my socializing time has been minimal at best and this whole semester seems to  be filled with drama and conflict, two things I do not need or want in my life right now. If it wasn't for counseling or the anger study sessions as of lately I would probably more emotional then I am now. My hope was to post on J.D. Salinger nine stories in the coming weeks but the business of my schedule and my lack of sleep makes me not sure when this will be possible. I will try to post at the earliest by Christmas break because by then all I should have to worry about is editing. Sorry for the rant and I hope to post soon.

Ibsen's doll house is full of manipulation and surprises

      I started reading Ibsen's Doll House with the assumption that it was about woman's rights and Nora's ability to stand up to her husband Helmer.  I since learned that Nora acted like a weak woman, and a sort of doll who would dress up and entertain her husband and take care of the household.  She displayed similar behavior around her father. She never had anything that was actually hers. (spoiler alert) She was oddly enough beneath this perceived blissful behavior was actually really manipulative as she was able to get the necessary money to take a trip to Italy and save her husband when he was in ill health.  However, her husband did not know about her loan from a loan shark of sorts. Also she was the one who kept track of the spending and other events in the household. (spoiler alert) Also the ending was very odd but I guess appropriate as she left her husband and children while this might not have been a very maternal thing to do, she needed to figure out who she was outside her family. Actually she sort of remind me of one of the main female leads from the Jane Austen Book club movie who had to figure out who she was after she divorced her husband when she discovered he was having an affair.
     All this play and movie show me is that people are not what they seem or claim to be sometimes. However, I think what Helmer experienced with Nora is what people experience with friends or relatives all the time in that they are full of surprises. I can vouch for this as I have a friend who I expected to react one way to one thing, and it went the other way. Also, I myself am not what I seem sometimes as I can be really quiet around people I don't know that well but around people I am comfortable around I can be loud and boisterous to some extent.
      Nora in addition to proving that appearances can be deceiving is also showing a glimpse into women's rights and getting women out just the role of taking care of the husband and children. Their is nothing wrong with the role but these seem to be the expectations placed on the role of most women in the Victorian era.  Also I think it shows that the woman should be able to have her own identity and have it not swallowed up by those surrounding her. I am sure this is not true in the modern world, but a woman should be able to have an identity outside the home where she is an employee, volunteer, whatever who makes a difference in the world in whatever way possible. This is all for my feminist rantish, am not sure what book I will post about next.

Evelina analysis part 2

       Evelina from what I have discovered after all my research is Burneys' attempt to work out her own daddy issues. I am sure Freud would have a field day in reading her book Evelina. All her actions throughout out the first half of the novel are trying to have it so that her actions win the approval of her father like figure Mr. Villars. Burney faced similar issues as through writing Evelina she was hoping that her father would also approve of her activities. Burney was writing at a time when women being writers was not a very positive thing in the 1700's.  Also  Burney is reveling the prevalent opinion that where is one from and what a dad's or parents credentials are matter if one is to win a match. Burney faced similar issues as she was arranged to marry and did not want to marry the man.  In the case of Evelina through it was her lack of credentials that made the marriage between Evelina and Orville as eminent so that Evelina could have a place in the upper middle class society of London.
       Burney and Evelina both show that women had many issues to deal with regards to courtship and trying to be a writer in the eighteenth century when it seems very apparent that a women's opinion at this time was not viewed as important or significant. Burney proves this point further when her early journals she addresses them to "Nobody".  However, from a non-feminist stand point I am sure women have felt at some point that their opinion had no place anywhere. Well, for me one example was that I was nine and my dad was about to get remarried and he asked me how I felt about it and the women he was about to marry. I lied and said I was ok with the marriage and the woman because I knew she made my dad happy and that I figure my opinion would not make a difference in the first place. I still believe that now after all these years, that my opinion does not matter to him, he like my grandpa J just likes to do alot of spouting about topics of interest to him, how him and I even have a conversation these days I will never know. Also he is just emotionally distant and I am sure he loves and his proud of me I would hope, I would just like to have a  normal conversation with him. I guess this is why I can relate to Burney and Evelina so much as I have my own dad issues that I am trying to work out through my writing of my thesis. I think that is enough personal information and analysis for now. I will try to blog on Ibsen's dollhouse next week.

Evelina..trying to find her place in the world...

Well, it has taken a while but I have finally finished Evelina. This is my second time reading this novel I started reading it as an undergrad but never finished it. I proud to say this time I finished it and actually enjoyed most of it and finally understood the subtle humor and satire employed by Frances Burney. This was the first novel she wrote prior to the Witlings, and it is her claim to fame. Also this novel makes you feel better about your own crazy family. She has relatives the Braghtons who will make a big deal out of going somewhere and then complain the whole time while there. Their is also her grandma Madame Duval whose main goal is make Evelina cultured and turn her into a suitable person fit for London society. Evelina gets snagged into spending time with these people over the question of her last name and origin. Her mom died while giving birth to her as a child and her father ditched her prior to her birth so she never knew her family history, which is not helpful if one wants to find a good match in London society. She has been taken care of by her guardian Mr. Villars for the past seventeen years up to the point that the letters in the novel begin. This novel brings to question how important where one comes from in the past, and where one is going in the future.
She is seen as a bastard child and has to maneuver constant interruptions and social faux paux in London because she is a country girl that grew up in Berry Hill. Actually all the interruptions of moments and satirical parts remind me of Witlings and the dialogue through out makes it seem like an act in a play one witnesses in the theater. I think Evelina experiences what we all do when being placed in a new environment, we have to determine the unwritten rules and social mores and how to act in certain situations. The best examples would be the first day of high school or college. Evelina unfortunately faces many problems in this regard as men are constantly hitting on her or trying to go with her in dark corners, even if she has no interest in them in the first place. The only man who is willing to respect her and her space is Lord Orville, and he does not seem to care if she has a country or city upbringing.
However she also over the novel evolves and is more able to act for herself with out advice of her guardian Mr. Villars to determine which actions are right for her depending on the situation. Also, he is one of the few people who seems to understand the situation that she has been put in within London and with her family. It seems that those that don't understand her would rather than hit on her or just be a nuisance to those around them. Captain Miravan is constantly pulling pranks on others, Clement Willoboughy will act one way while talking behind one's back, and Mr. Smith just reminds me of the English version of casanova. While, the Braghton's just seem to not be cultured and are oblivious to any negative behavior due to being of a different class. However, I through out this novel has sort of known how Evelina has been feeling as I look for a job and try to figure out the next couple months, it has come to a point in my life, where if I plan to far in the future I feel like I will have a panic attack. Also I can relate to the constant interruptions, one of my relatives is planing to visit in a couple weeks and am not looking forward to it. I think this person is doing it to make up for a bad trip last Christmas. But I don't know how this will ratify the situation. Also, I honestly don't want this person to see our house and lives in chaos even if they may be used to chaos. I just wish they could wait tell next summer, when our lives are more calmer. I know this has some relevance to Evelina but it has been bugging me for the past week. Also I will do a part two for Evelina since this has turned out to be mostly summary, so more analysis to come in the next post.